As my days of monotony lingers on, I realized my passion for writing was nowhere to be found. Looking back, I wonder what caused my youth to be stagnant. I was gradually overwhelmed by unwanted pressures every single day of my life which for no reason at all, blocked my always youthful rushing neurons into mediocre ones.

As I sit infront of my laptop, thinking - trying to put the words together, I suddenly find my self at loss. Tongued-tied. I couldn’t even find the right words to say. I was disappointed.

Then. 

I cracked myself a silly joke. Laughing. Thinking. Why should I be so depressed? Without words now doesn’t mean I couldn’t write at all. So, I shrugged my shoulders and put down my pen. 

I don’t care when, or where, or how but when the time is perfect, I will wear this dress and feel how it’s like to be her, Cinderella, I mean. And then, I’ll head to my ball with my glass slippers on and dance with Prince Charming longer than midnight. 

2011. 

I can’t really say that it had been a bad or a good one for me. But one thing is for sure, that for every good happening, there are always the opposites that would eventually come in due time.

2011 brought me new experiences. I met my first boyfriend. I experienced my first kiss. Gone out on dates. Got used to working at a foreign country. Made friends. Became independent.

The odds? My zeal for learning just gradually fade away. Utilized my neurons less. Lazier than ever. Unproductive in a sense. Broken-hearted. Criticized. 

No matter how it had been rough for me, I managed somehow. I learned how to struggle and watch myself grow. So, I’m rooting for 2012 to broaden my hemisphere and allow me to march the walkway with the spotlights highlighting my feet. Cheers then to whatever awaits the year of the dragon, my year.

2011.10.17. A Date at Hamamatsu Castle.

Okay, here’s the fact. I love castles. They’re everything I could ever think of eversince I was a fetus floating inside my mother’s womb. So, I raised up the idea of going on dates on every castle located in Japan.

Actually, I wasn’t aware that there would be a huge park where the castle is located. So, I randomly choose clothes to wear and picked up my stilleto. The moment we arrived, my mouth dropped in a perfect  big O and turned to look his way. It was a bad idea after all. But anyways, it was the day wherein we held hands the whole day for fear that I might stumble right away if he let go.

I enjoyed every bit of moment that I savoured the fresh ambiance shrouding the place, and the warmth of his hand holding mine.

As I turn myself into a new leaf, I hereby swear that I’ll let go of any bitterness I’ve been holding on for so long. I mean I’ve been writing nothing else but on how life had been too unfair for me. It goes on and on for ages and so, I’ve come to a certain conclusion that it’s time to put it to an end.

Life hadn’t been unfair for me. I was on myself.

So, I got permed. I know it doesn’t quite suit me the way it does with other people but I kinda like the feeling of being right-clicked and finally refreshed.

I’ve finally decided that I’ll be positively POSITIVE! :)

失敗したのは怖いことなんかじゃない。一番怖いのは、失敗したら、周りの人にまた受け入れられるかどうかという問題じゃないのかって私が思う。信頼してくれてたのに、出来なかった。応援してくれてたのに、出来なかった。

人間は毎日、多くの失敗をしながら、生きている。これは普通。失敗していない人は誰も居ないだろう。でも、「私が失敗したことない」っていう人がいるんだよね。

なんでそれらを喜ばせなきゃいけないの？

なんで自分のため、自分の意思のために、出来ないの？

今、不思議に思っている。

I never knew the meaning of candlelight dinners for christmas eve. Not until now. I must admit, I was surprised.

You know that time when you know it’ll turn out just to be another ordinary day, with ordinary things going along the same flow for the same pattern every minute? I thought it’ll be that and all. Imagining how things would’ve turned out if this were to happen, or if that were to. What I didn’t know quite caught me off guard. 

I was going off duty when I received this message coming from my boyfriend asking me if it’ll be okay if we meet that night. It was Christmas Eve; what bad would it do me if I were to say yes. At least, I won’t be all alone inside my four-cornered room. So, we met.

The moment I stepped into his chambers, I was so dumbfounded. There was this table set for two, a romantic Christmas jingle played on audio, and the ambiance for warm winter shrouded the room. I stood there without even moving any muscle, too moved to even say something. But he tapped my shoulder and smiled at me. “I just thought that since I’m free, I could do something for you,” was what he said. Can you imagine how my soul flew out of my body only to return after how many seconds? Well. That’s it. That’s how I spent my holidays; with him, with love.

2011.11.12. The Birthday.

After all the preparations were made and the appointments went, I’m glad the day went smoothly the way I planned it to be (well, let’s just say not all of them though). It’s my first time planning something for somebody and was totally hooked up with the thought. And if it won’t go exactly the way how I see it? Tantrums.

I was quite disappointed at the very beginning since I had it scribbled over paper and not well implemented. I wanted to throw broom sticks on his face. Well it was quite fine with me, since it wasn’t really my day; it was his. It really bothered me so much the moment he closed his eyes and slept beside me. I stayed awake the whole night thinking about rearranging the plans and starting once again from step one. It somehow ceased the stress lingering in my head. However, the following day happened the same way the day before did. I was the only one watching his favorite movie. I even got to think that maybe today’s my birthday since I’m the one enjoying. But really, my disappointments reached their ultimate peak; so I had to throw the towel. The moment he woke, I took my turn and entered dreamland.

As I fluttered my eyes open, I was quite in a state of shock to find that I was alone inside the four-cornered room. So, there I go again, grabbed my cute handkerchief and threw tantrums. It was around 9 in the evening when he came home and we finally get to celebrate his birthday. And guess what? We tried making pasta but it ended up in fiasco. It was like we’re eating cheesecake.

I really can’t say if today was fun or what but the only thing that I can remember is that I was dead tired, I slept like a rag.

2011.09.25. The first date.
It was a gloomy morning with the sun barely spreading rays of light over the place. As recommended by a friend, we decided randomly to go and take a peek. It was a 2 hour highway run until we reached a desolated place and thought that maybe we got it all wrong. The moment we realized it was exactly the museum that we were recommended of, we ended up laughing but enjoyed ourselves anyway.
The museum was connected to a mini aquarium where quite mini and mini fishes reside. Haha! I was in a daze as I watched them in awe swimming across the water. I even tried communicating with sharks to see if it works as what animated films makes children believe in magic. It was quite funny though; people who gathered infront of the large glass started giggling to themselves as they watch me talk like a lunatic, even mimicking how fishes open and close their mouths. It was hilarious really.
But anyway, after that, we drove another hour or so heading towards the south, where I finally was able to see and step inside a flea market. But the thing was, flea markets in Japan have small restaurants with nothing else on the menu but seafood. I wasn’t even able to finish the whole meal so, I let him have my share. Haha!
As we started heading home, we were both surprised on how time flew so slow. We actually finished dating the whole morning. So,it was movie marathon the moment we stepped into his domains.
All I can say is that, since it was the first date, I got the feeling that I’ll be fidgety and quiet the whole time which can be so awkward. But I was surprised to see that I can be a good company as well.